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My husband groaned to his mom on the other end of the phone. It was the fifth time in the last three weeks one of us discussed Thanksgiving logistics with her. His family, who are geographically dispersed up and down the eastern seaboard, has decided to spend the long weekend together in South Carolina- where none of us live, but can all access either by a half a day’s drive or a quick flight. My mother-in-law has always hosted a large dinner, well-appointed with heirloom linens, flickering candles, signature cocktails, flowers plucked from the yard and lovingly arranged in beautiful vases. She is a reverent purveyor of the traditional holiday.

The whole point of our off-campus retreat was to eliminate the stress that goes along with trying to plan the perfect holiday. That cannonball run from Halloween to New Years’ exhausts all of us. My husband and I often get completely stressed- not only by the things we need to accomplish on behalf of our own household but also dealing with extended family dynamics and logistics. For years we have divided annual gatherings evenly between the two camps, alternating each specific holiday so that everyone feels equally tended. But wherever we are, it feels like we have to run a marathon to get there and keep a rosy endurance until we’re completely wrung out.

How can we get ahead of the inevitable holiday fatigue and keep it from feeling overwhelming?

What’s your favorite part of the holiday? Start there.

The thing I love doing most during this wild season is fussing about the house and making it look festive. It brings me such happiness because it is the one thing that is completely in my control. Our family celebrates Christmas and I usually get the tree a few weeks before December 25^th. Last year, I tried something different by sticking with the usual tree date but “soft launching” everything else early. For example, I lined the mantle with garland and set up our little snowman village. Pulling out one task that I truly love and checking it off my to-do list was both relaxing and satisfying. Think about all the things you do to get ready for the holidays and decide what you enjoy the most. Why not start there? Some ideas:

1. Create a holiday calendar to keep track of key dates and avoid last-minute scrambles.
2. Plan your meal menu and start stocking supplies or making/prepping/freezing.
3. Purchase unique stocking stuffers or small gifts when you spot a sale.
4. Purge, tidy, reorganize closets so things are neat for guests.
5. Look for gifts, seeking out sales and coupons to keep costs down.
6. Make baked goods for neighbors/co-workers/coaches.

Develop a gift strategy now!

Teacher gifts, hostess gifts, ornament exchanges, party clothing, the season is packed with unplanned expenses and invitations that can be hard to decline. Part of the reason starting early is a good strategy is that it leaves more opportunities to think creatively and snag things on sale. Here are some other ideas for saving money or at least spending it with intention.

• Instead of mass present-swapping at parties or family gatherings, host a white elephant. You can plan the parameters for participants such as a price limit or a theme such as kitchenware, self-care, second-hand, homemade, childhood nostalgia. The white elephant order can be determined by drawing numbers out of a hat or rolling dice (one dot= keep your gift, three dots= pass to the right, etc.) Seat everyone in a loose circle and pile the presents right in the middle to add to the excitement. Present opening and choosing can be a little awkward so keep things lively with an upbeat playlist or a time limit on decision-making.

• Draft a detailed expenditures plan. Take the time to pre-list all of your expense categories and allocate how much you’d like to spend on each. You can use a budgeting app or google sheet, but the most important thing is to track everything. Groceries, gift cards, party clothing, be comprehensive when mapping out costs and thoughtful when considering where you want to place your emphasis. If you are serving the holiday dinner to your entire family, reel back on the presents. If you’re offering up your house to host a party, ask your friends to bring an appetizer and their favorite bottle of wine or cocktail to share.

• Create a formula. When our three children were small, we kept things equitable and reasonable by selecting one gift in each of the following categories for each of them: a book, a piece of clothing, a craft set, a big-ticket item. It helped us stay within reason and made it easy to double-check that we were keeping things even between them. Some parents follow the “want, need, wear, read” code when buying presents for their families. You might also cap spending based on the person. For example, instead of sending gift cards to all of your high-schooler’s teachers, encourage them to select one or two who made a real difference to them this semester.

Make time to exercise and recenter

So much social and family time can be wearing. Make sure you prioritize sleep (7-8 hours per night) and avoid being sedentary. You can run or walk outside or follow a YouTube yoga video from the comfort of your living room. It can be hard to make yourself go outdoors when the weather is dreary and cold but movement is a critical approach to boosting your mood and staying healthy during what can be a very germy time! To stay on top of exercise when things get super busy, lay your clothes out the night before, block out the time in your calendar, and promise yourself you’ll breathe in fresh air once or twice a day.  

Between the financial and logistical stress of the season, value differences of family members, and close quarters with people you haven’t seen for a while, it’s imperative that you stay protective of your inner harmony. Thich Nhat Hanh, the beloved Buddhist monk and peace activist once said, “If we are at war with our parents, our family, our society, there is probably a war going on inside us also.” Try to stay self-aware of when you need a break. Let yourself say no to obligations that feel overwhelming and know that it’s okay to walk away from sticky conversations or conflict. Your ability to stay calm can often be contagious if you stay committed to it.

As for my family, we will be just fine if everything isn’t perfect on Thanksgiving. And it’s okay if we don’t get to spend exactly the same amount of time with everyone this holiday season. We’ll just keep reminding ourselves that being together in any way we are able to make it work is lucky enough.